I would have no problem with this…especially if it would help me out on my final tomorrow.
Love. Hate. Such a fine line.
Maybe it’s this expectation of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to state of bliss, the more confused we get to the point where we don’t recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling, trying to be the happy people we once were until eventually it hits us…it’s been there all along. Not in dreams or hopes, but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.
“crying doesn’t indicate that you’re weak.
Since birth, it has always been a sign that you’re alive.”
“I’m too tense to dance.
My problem is I’m sleeping with a man who’s dating.
That’s my problem.
I mean if I had any sense at all I would break up with the break up sex.
There would be no more break up sexing.
If I had any sense..”
Don’t get so excited, you’re likely to hurt yourself.
You’re head looks disproportionate from pushing too hard to believe
You’re not wrong, just better off thinking it was only love.
It hurts like a splinter stuck in your foot
And you’ve tried, but can’t get it out.
And of course, you walk in the heat for miles.
You forget the pain, but it comes back after a while.
You’re not wrong, just better off thinking it was only love.
“You’re not my friend.
Yes I am. Well I could be. I’m a very good friend.
No we can’t be friends.
We could be friends. You’d be lucky to have me.
How? How can we be friends?”
You go out dancing hard in those 4 1/2 inch heels with a one inch platform in the front. You come home, your feet hurt so badly that you take a hot shower and put an ice pack on them. The shoes actually hurt so badly that you took them off and walked in your socks on the sidewalk to your car. Taking the shoes off really didn’t help the pain at all either. You need a boyfriend to massage your feet before bed — that would be the ultimate cure.
BUT… maybe you wouldn’t have needed to be wearing the sexy shoes all night and dancing so hard if you had a boyfriend. You can do it both ways, but most of the time it doesn’t work out like that. Either you’re looking sexy for the world to see and rockin’ the ensemble, or you’re doing it for one person & probably not trying as hard. At least not hard enough to think the pain is worth it. (Here’s a clue, it’s not.)
You don’t want the boyfriend so you can dance & wear the shoes. But you need him for the massage. Let’s get real paradoxical.
I’m done fooling myself.
You don’t want me anymore, but more importantly I really don’t want you. A part of me does, the part that’s scared and wants the OLD you back. But that’s not who you are now. You used to be so classy, so mature, so nice, so fun. Now? You like to party, drink, and act like an undergrad again. There’s nothing wrong with undergrads or drinking or partying — I LOVE all of those things. But, right now, I’m interested in a real relationship. But mainly, I’m interested in ME. I don’t have time to waste on you and the things I hate about you. I need to be focused on me, so when the next guy comes along I’m ready for him. He might not be you, but I hope that he’ll be better than you. Better than the old you? That’s a challenge. But, better than the you who you are now? That’s easy to beat. He’s going to win, and I’m going to be happy. Then, you’ll be the fool.
I’m not here to apologize about what happened tonight.
I’m sorry for losing my temper.
I’m sorry for not waiting longer.
I’m sorry for treating you like property.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you when I knew I did.
Most of all, I’m sorry that I gave up on us, and you never did.
Dear boy in the corner over there,
Please get up and walk around again. You have captured my attention and it won’t return willingly to me. Please distract me again. Your eyes saw into my soul. Just the way your hair stands up is totally doing it for me. It’s all I can see when you’re hidden behind that wall. Why don’t you come over here and share some coffee with me? So, this is what it feels like to have a crush again. Well, boy, you’ve done it for me. I’ll be back here day after day until you muster up the courage to come over to me. I’ll make it easy for you, just do your part, and let’s get together. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
girl with the vanilla latte & honeycrisp apple
Discovering leggings may be the best thing that has happened to me in a while. Not gonna lie, I have scoffed at many girls for wearing them, just with a tshirt letting the world check out their bodies. But, truth be told, I’ve been missing out. Leggings don’t have to be skanky. They can be classy paired with many outfits and they are so comfy. So, go do yourself a favor and buy a pair. Not the cheap $5 pair, but a decent pair. Can I recommend the LOFT leggings? I’ll buy you a pair for $12.25 and it’ll be the best 13 dollars you’ve spent in a long while.
Why is it that the things we want most in life are the things we can’t have?
Why is it that doing something “wrong” feels so right?
Why do our hands fit together so perfectly?
Why do I hope it’s you when my phone buzzes?
Why do you still make me feel?
Why do you still hold the key to my heart?
Why can’t I have you?
Do you like my hair curly or straight better? It really doesn’t matter. You’re clearly smart and decent looking, but really it’s the compliments that I like. This just isn’t fair to you. I’m using you because you’re obviously into me & talking to you makes me feel good about myself. It’s not you, it’s me. And this isn’t a break up, I promise, because my coffee addiction is going no where. Also, let’s face it, you make a really good latte.
Lately I’ve been trying to embrace the whole “i can do whatever i want” thing. It may seem great, but loneliness is so NOT fun. Really, I’ll do just about anything to occupy my time. Seriously. So, on Monday I sleep in my underwear (satin sheets are just too good on my skin). Tuesdays bring work, to which I wear the sassiest brown ankle boots and skinny jeans (hot Hot HOT). On Wednesday, I have a dance party alone in my apartment while blasting Flo-Rida and wearing sunglasses inside (no, this is not a joke). On Thursday, I watch Grey’s Anatomy. OH WAIT. I went to a meeting, class, seminar, informational meeting, and volunteered. I ran the 2 miles to the school I volunteer at, and that means I had to run the 2 miles back home, too. No matter how strange some of the things I’ve done this week may seem, I’m proud of them. I’m proud of the person I am, and I know I’m proud of the person I’m going to grow into.
Randomly this morning I woke up with a sort of “let’s-attack-the-world” attitude. It was weird, but refreshing. So, I snoozed the alarm for 15 minutes, hopped out of bed & departed for class. I bought a skinny, vanilla latte before class and the caffeine energized me for the 3.5 hours of class I sat through until I got home at 1pm. Now, you may be amazed to hear this, but when I got home, I promptly sat down to do tomorrow’s homework. Correct, the homework is done. More impressively, after doing the homework, I cleaned my entire kitchen (hand-washing dishes, wiping down counters, & running the dishwasher) and completed three loads of laundry (my fave, seriously). Now, you too may be wondering where this productive streak came from, I know I certainly am. All I know is that I’m embracing it. I feel like living like this every day would lead to such a sense of accomplishment. Really, I do feel so happy right now, like the day’s burdens are lifted off my shoulders (despite the fact I have to go into work from 6:30-10). All in all, no case of the Monday’s here, but maybe I’ll turn every day into this kind of Monday.
It’s been a long while since I’ve posted anything interesting. I guess life has been boring, yet at the same time completely full of drama. I’m at that hard point where I need to decided what a friendship is worth to me. Am I willing to be alone just to let go of the drama? or does the drama secretly fuel my existence? I don’t know. What I do know is that loneliness is the scariest thing, but it’s also the most empowering thing. It’s the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. It’s the power to not be let down by anyone. It’s having your cake & eating it, too. But, if it’s all of these great things, then why is it so hard? Why is being alone the thing that scares me more than anything else in the world? Right here, right now, this is my chance. I’m alone in a new place, with the freedom to do whatever I choose. Yet, sometimes all I want is to be curled up with my parents keeping me safe & protected from the evils of the world. Now is the time for me to show the world who I am. Who is this Ellen girl? Let me show you how wonderful she is. Let’s show the world how she can be happy (even when alone), strong, independent, and beautiful. Let’s make the world envy the girl I’ve become.